Why I am Going to VBAC- Part 2: Bait and Switch

Our Happy Family!

* VERY LONG READ!

As part of our preparation for the Kimchi Kid, we decided to study Hypnobirthing. We both were a bit skeptical at first but we quickly grew to love the class and the concept. My husband was so impressed he told every expectant father he met that they HAD to try it! In terms of reducing our fears about birth and teaching us about the birthing process, we were really impressed. We knew very little, we expected birth to be scary and painful. But thanks to Hypnobirthing not only were we excited and positive about the birthing process but we decided to try for a completely natural birth, something we had never previously considered.

As part of our preparation we took our doctor our natural birthing plan, in English and Korean. This spelled out very clearly our hopes and preferences for our birth experience. These included:

· No IV.

· A private labour and delivery room.

· The ability to move around as I saw fit.

· No shaving.

· No episiotomy.

· Light food and drinks.

· The cord to stop pulsing before cutting.

· Immediate breastfeeding.

Our doctor spoke English well and asked for some time to review the birthing plan. At our next appointment he agreed to everything we asked, except for the food part. Drinks were ok, food was not. We were so happy we had found such a forward thinking doctor and only 5 minutes from our home! We had heard so many horror stories of birthing in Korea that we had expected the worst. Little did we know that we were actually being set up for a “bait and switch” birth experience.

When we were almost full term, our doctor informed us that the Kimchi Kid was measuring over 4kg. In South Korea this is considered an automatic C-section. We laughed off his concerns and to appease him agreed to meet with the surgeon, just in case. She was a lovely lady and we assured her that with my wide hips and family birth history we would be fine. She smiled and explained the C-section process, just in case.

When I went into labour, we were very calm and relaxed. I listened to my iPod and labored on the toilet, the most comfortable place in my home. When the surges (contractions) became 3 minutes apart, around 6 hours after starting timing, we called the hospital. They told us to come in and we excitedly headed to the hospital, confident that we would have our gorgeous son with us soon!

Upon arrival I was put on a bed in a communal labour room. The OR was in my line of vision with a very unhappy sounding woman in it. The bed next to me had another unhappy sounding woman in it and I had to lie on my back and wait for them to check us. I questioned my husband as to why we weren’t being shown to our private room and he asked the nurse. They had no idea, but with some hurried discussion finally agreed and sent us to a room. The nurse came in to check my dilation, I was 3cm gone and she said it would probably take about 7 hours more. We were excited and confident that those 7 hours would fly by!

Shortly after a different nurse arrived and told my husband that I was to be put on an IV. We said no, that was not in our plan, ask the doctor. She was shocked and left quickly. Another nurse came, this time to shave me. Again, we declined, a little annoyed this time and she also was shocked. I moved to the toilet in our room for more comfort and our doctor finally came. We said we were surprised that no one knew of our plan, but he brushed it off. He told me I could sit on the toilet but not birth their (of course) and sad I was doing well, “better than he expected”. At the time we just laughed at their lack of faith and preparedness.

Things were going so well that we had an extra bed rolled in so my husband could sleep. He took a nap, I relaxed and the surges got closer and closer. I was now feeling the every 1 minute or so, with minimal rest between, but doing well. At this point a nurse came in and asked me to lay on the bed for an exam. I climbed up and lay on my back. The nurse then strapped on a fetal monitor and waited. For me, it felt like an eternity! Finally I demanded to know what she was waiting for and she replied she was waiting for contractions. I shouted that I was HAVING them, constantly, hurry up and check me! She finally examined me for dilation and to our disappointment we found that we had only progressed to 4cm after 6 hours.

During the time I was laying on my back, the surges became more painful and centered in my lower back; I was eager to get off the bed and back to my toilet but quickly discovered that something had changed. I struggled to get back to my relaxed state, listening to my iPod and sitting on the toilet. Very quickly I realized the pain was becoming unbearable and I woke my husband and demanded that we get an epidural. This is where things went wrong…

My husband called the nurse who came and told him I could NOT have an epidural. We were shocked, this had never occurred to us, so he demanded she call the doctor. We had to wait for the doctor to come and when he arrived he informed us that I could NOT have an epidural due to my WEIGHT. I was over 90kg at this point in pregnancy and he said that they did not have a large enough needle for me! I was beginning to get very stressed, I had no break between surges and the pain was awful. I asked what our options were. The doctor told us I could have a C-section or I could move to the larger University hospital which was older, had a bad reputation and I did not like from previous visits. I told him that neither were options for us and I would continue.

I struggled back to my toilet, in tears now, going out of my mind with the pain. I breathed, I did my Hypnobirthing exercises, and I listened to the iPod. Finally I staggered out and shouted at my husband, “CUT ME OPEN AND TAKE MY BABY OUT!” My poor husband was as unprepared as I was and quickly called the doctor. The speed with which they took over was remarkable.

I was immediately put back on the bed, an IV was inserted, fetal monitor attached, a nurse shaved me and we were whisked into the operating room. The room was brightly lit, fully staffed and it seemed to me to be very short notice for a 4am procedure at a small private hospital. They moved me to the operating table, told me they would attempt a spinal twice and if it did not work I would be given a general anesthetic. They rolled me to my side, inserted the needle on the first try and bliss flooded my body. I cried my thanks to the doctor and they laughed. I said I could continue now, but they had already cut me open. THE KIMCHI KID WAS BORN!

I was in a haze after this. I remember wondering where my baby and husband were. I remember shaking, uncontrollably, my teeth chattering in recovery so badly I couldn’t speak. I remember piles of warm blankets heaped upon me. I think I remember seeing my baby, but since it was also the first photo I have of him, it may be a false memory. The next thing I remembered was being moved to a bed and told not to sit up or move for 18 hours lest I suffer excruciating head pain. Then I slept.

When I woke again, it was day. I was alone and my husband had gone to work! Not having been in a Korean hospital we had no idea that this was going to be a problem. Around noon a student‘s family arrived. They had been close to us for a year and the mother was a nurse. She tried to get Thomas from the nursery for me but my husband had accidentally taken the “ticket” that allows you to “check” your baby out of the nursery. After a few hours they left and my husband arrived with the ticket. Finally I was able to see and hold my baby. Thomas slept the whole visit and was returned to the nursery. My husband left to teach and I was alone again.

Around 6pm another woman was rolled into my room. She had also had a C-section. She was as out of it as I had been and slept several hours. I then noticed that her mother had to do certain hygienic things for her that I had expected a nurse to do. I was shocked and dismayed to realize I had been there 12 hours longer and NOTHING had been done for me. I was so embarrassed to inform my husband of this when he returned and ask him to do them for me. He was equally shocked but we did what we had to do.

The rest of our stay continued in the same vein. Thomas was in the nursery all night. He came for a few visits during the day and I nursed him. He slept most of the time and I rested. My husband had to help me do EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING! We begged to be released and were told 7 days was the minimum stay. Finally we were allowed to leave on the 5^th day as I had healed so well. At this point I hadn’t been with my son for more than 4 hours at a time. The nurses were useless for the whole stay, even refusing to fetch me more diapers when I ran out despite the fact that I could barely walk, I had my baby in the room with me, I was alone and the nursery was on a different floor from where we were! I was so relieved to get home to the comfort of my own bed and the support of the amazing helper/nanny who is still with us to this day!

We ended up with a happy and healthy baby, who through the joys of co-sleeping, baby wearing and breastfeeding was never fussy and the apple of our eyes. Teething was a breeze, solids feeding, walking at 9mths, toilet training, etc. All milestones he has reached easily and happily. So we never really thought about our birth experience. That is, until we became pregnant again.

After the Kimchi Kid was born I became a member of an Expat Parents group here in Seoul. I finally met many other mothers in similar situations here and I made some wonderful friends. One of the mothers I met was Mama Seoul, who was a very strong advocate for VBAC, something we had never thought of. Through discussions with her, links on her website and so on, I slowly became re-educated about birth. What I learned surprised me and raised some concerns about returning to our hospital.

My husband however was unconvinced. He saw me heal well, saw our son grow and thrive, and remembered the difficulty of my stay in the hospital. He was convinced the easiest thing to do was simply schedule a repeat C-section. The fact that he was also teaching the child of my C-section doctor reinforced this decision in his mind after I became pregnant. She informed him that we could easily have 3, even 4 C-sections with no major problems, she did it all the time!

We agreed to a compromise. If we had a girl, I would have a C-section. Another boy, then we would try to VBAC. This worked well until we discovered we WERE having a boy!

My doctor had slowly stopped speaking English to me and had started speaking only Korean, and only to my husband, despite ME asking him direct questions in English. This annoyed us both but we let it slide. Then my blood test came back with high protein levels. We had a 2^nd test done and it also had high protein levels. I was concerned, but the doctor CALLED my husband and TOLD him over the phone that I had to have an amniocentesis and that Koreans would consider termination in this case. The look on my husband’s face was one I will NEVER forget, and I am crying just typing this and remembering it now.

I was devastated, HE was devastated and I called my closest friends, my doula friend, and then googled the HELL out of AFP and amniocentesis! We made an urgent appointment for the next morning at a different hospital as I REFUSED to go back to a doctor who treated us with so little respect that he didn’t offer an alternative and dropped the word TERMINATION so casually over the phone.

We spent 3 hours at the new clinic, Medi-Flower, which is 1.5hours away. Dr. Chung was so patient and caring, he listened to us, and gave us our options, the first of which was an intensive ultrasound with a doctor of radiology to check for any possible defects. This took 1 hour itself and we were given the all clear with 99.9% assurance that our baby, Baby Graham, was fine. We then toured the facility and I showed my husband the birthing tub and room I had decided to birth in. We never went back to our old hospital and I am so happy with our decision!

The 3^rd and FINAL part of my story will be HOW I am preparing for a VBAC, what obstacles we have encountered and the final WHY! Thanks for reading so far!

Love,

Mommy Cha

Language and Respect!

As many of you may know(and if you don't know, why don't you read my blog??!!), we are trying to raise the Kimchi Kid in a bi-lingual environment. The reason we do this is mainly out of respect for my husband's culture and heritage but also since we are living and raising him in South Korea.
My husband left South Korea as a small child, around the age of 5. His parents whole-heartedly immersed him into the American lifestyle, culture and the English language. He very quickly(6 months he says!) learned to speak English and FORGOT all his Korean language abilities. As he grew older he realized that he was unable to comunicate with his grandmother and that saddened him. He attempted to re-learn Korean so that he was able to at least thank her and ask her how she was doing. Upon his return to South Korea he studied Korean in an academy and then joined the Korean military for his mandatory service. Adult Korean males must serve at least 2 years(it may be less now) in the military. My husband became fluent in speaking Korean during that time, and he STILL remembers how his grandmother cried after speaking to him on the phone, in Korean, for the first time! As a result he was determined that his children would NOT forget their heritage and their language. I agreed with him that it was important for our children to be aware of their cultural background and learn the language of their country of residence. The Kimchi Kid has been progressing well in both English and Korean, but since Korean is more prevalent he is stronger in speaking Korean than English.
I read and talked to several people who have raised bilingual children and we chose to follow the 1 parent-1 language approach. That means I try to speak only English while my husband tries to speak only Korean to our son. At times I do forget and speak in Korean to him, but I always try and say the English word as well.
Beyond just learning a language however, there is a question of respect. I was raised to always say please and thank-you especially to those older than me. Teachers, friends' parents, doctors, grandparents, relatives, etc. all of these people I was unfailingly polite to. So when I came to Korea I was shocked at how rude I found people could be! Once I had spent some time here, and read more about the culture and history of the country, I began to understand more. Korea was strongly influenced by Confucianism and still is today. This teaches the Korean people that elders should be respected, as well as teachers and scholars above all else and this is reflected in their language as well. Asking your age or job when meeting someone new is not considered rude, but it helps them determine what language to use with you and where to place you in their social hierarchy.
I quickly learned that strangers where not so much being rude to me, but more likely uncertain of my status in their life and instead choosing to ignore me. It was like I simply did not exist in their world until I was introduced. The older woman ramming me with her cart at the store, or pushing past me to grab something, would often change her attitude and apologise if I called her on it. Usually I would just ignore it as it was not worth it to me. Staff in stores and coffee shops where I became a regular who at first may not acknowledge me would start to respect me the more they saw me. Slowly I became "someone" in their view. This has led to me forming good relationships of mutual respect with many different people here, including teachers, doctors, students and their families. Our local store owner would often give the Kimchi Kid a free candy when we shopped for produce.
Since I was ever mindful that as a foreigner in South Korea, I paid special attention to my pleases and thank-yous in Korean. As part of the culture of respect, Koreans have formal and casual language, the formal of course being the most polite and suitable for elders, teachers or scholars. However, I frequently used the politest form of "thank-you" for anyone who served me or helped in stores or restaurants, as that was simply how I was raised. My husband was actually told by my favorite sandwich lady that she ALWAYS gave me extra toppings on my sandwich because I was the ONLY one who was always so polite with her! Not even younger Koreans would thank her like I did, they simply ignored her. She was so impressed that I spoke the most polite Korean to her, thanked her for my food and always said please and I was a FOREIGNER! This made a big impact on me, because it showed me that by simply respecting her and her language/culture, she would never forget me and treated me better than the average customer. A little respect can go a long way sometimes!
Once I made the decision to marry a Korean, I threw myself into language lessons. Despite the fact that my in-laws live in Texas and speak fluent English, I knew that I wanted to be able to communicate with them in their language. This was a sign of my respect for them, as they were my family now. I tried my best to learn the polite forms of please and thank you, as well as greetings and compliments for cooking for my MIL. They were very happy and touched that I made the effort and it helped them to understand that while I was not Korean, I respected them and their culture. The Kimchi Kid has been raised the same way and he already knows how to say "please" in English, bow his head in respect for greetings or thanks in Korea, and to use both hands as a polite sign when asking for a treat or toy. This is important to us and we hope to raise a bilingual child who is well-mannered and respectful in Korean and English.
I have often read postings in online forums from the ESL community and gotten angered by those who have no respect for the country or culture that they are currently residing in. I understand that you may have no intention of staying in Korea long-term and therefore have no need for the language, but is it really that hard to learn your please and thank-yous? I find it even more difficult to deal with people who marry into a different culture and live and raise children in that new country or culture. The very least you could do is learn to respect your in-laws in their language, especially if they do not know yours. Afterall if they moved to your home country, can you honestly tell me that you would NOT expect them to learn YOUR language especially if they plan to be there long term?
Respect is not given, it is earned. If you don't respect the people around you, why on earth would you expect them to respect YOU?

NOT on the airplane!!!

Ok, so Thomas's Canadian passport expired in June, we were just too busy to go renew it and his citizenship card JUST arrived last week. I figured that it would be easy to just use his Korean passport.
When our friend went to Singapore Air to verify her 3rd party payment for our tickets (my husband has no idea how to register his Korean credit cards for online shopping!), they told her Thomas would need a Visa for travel to the USA with his Korean passport.

They told her we could apply online at the ESTAS website. What she didn't realize was that we didn't have an electronic passport, and Singapore Air never mentioned that the ESTAS online Electronic Visa ONLY worked if you had an Electronic Passport!
I went on ESTAS, got Thomas his Visa and that was all. There was nothing on the main page to let me know that with a Korean Passport you needed it to be Electronic.
At the airport Singapore Air told us he could NOT fly with an E-Visa and old style passport. We either had to have a paper visa in his passport or an e-passport. I was furious! They refused to budge, stating that even though he had received his ESTAS Visa, we could not travel to the USA. I begged them to let us go and try our luck with the Customs official in the USA. After all, he has dual Canadian/Korean Citizenship, he is 16 months old and he was approved for a Visa! How hard would it be to convince someone to allow him in?!
They point blank refused, and when I demanded to speak to a superior, I was given an e-mail address to contact! At that point, I gave up and started crying. We left the counter and I called the main office in Seoul. When I spoke to the woman who answered, she told me that due to our tickets being purchased on an online special sale, they could not be changed!!! I lost it!! I started yelling and crying at the same time and told her how this was Singapore Air's fault. She asked for my number and said she would speak to a supervisor and call me back.
I then called Tom to come and pick us up and we went to KFC for a late lunch. Doumi was with me, thank goodness, or I would have completely lost it being denied boarding with a stroller, 2 suitcases and a cranky 16month old who just wanted to walk all over! singapore Air called me back after an hour and said as long as I flew before September 30th, I could change my ticket.
We came home, got new passport photos taken and we are applying for his e-passport tomorrow morning. We have been told it should take around 4 business days.

Unfortunately my brother-in-law had booked connecting tickets for us and may be out some money due to having to cancel them at such short notice. Not to mention the extremely disappointed grandparents and other family members who now have to wait a week or more for us to come. As well we had to have a notarized letter of consent for me to travel without Tom to the USA, to ensure I am not kidnapping him ins a custody dispute. That cost $100 to translate and notarize, and will now have to be re-done since the dates are wrong. This also messes up my work schedule and our plans for Chuseok when I returned.

I have always been such a careful planner, I had everything printed, notarized booked and filed for the trip. I had no idea that Singapore Air's advice would not be right! Goes to show with travel it is important to double-check everything in advance, even your passport validity and visa validity! Hopefully all will go well with his passport and we will fly next week. I'll keep everyone posted!

Mommy Cha is exhausted!

The Kimchi Kid, how cute am I?

Hey everyone, Kimchi Kid here!
I've been giving Mommy Cha a hard time this week. She's been in bed by midnight almost every night, and last night I woke her up at 4am for 2 hours of crying and begging for "mool" fun! Too bad Mommy didn't think it was fun!
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know I've done lots of really interesting things this week, and she will be sure to share with you once I let her take a break.
Not sure when I will let her miss out on all my exciting adventures, such as climbing on top of my truck to pull her heavy and expensive antique clock to the floor, which caused the top to be crushed and 2 big holes to be gouged in the wood floor! Honestly, who would want to miss out on that? So what if it was a wedding gift from her aunt, it was EXCITING and that is what I, The Kimchi Kid, LIVE for!

See, it's not that badly bent at all! Mommy Cha is so excitable at times!

You can barely see the holes now that Doumi covered it with wood tape!
Stay tuned, I'm sure she'll get back to blogging soon!
Much love,The Kimchi Kid

PS-HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE MILES!!

Not a lazy Sunday...

Enjoying his juice on his sofa. He worked hard for it!

Can you see the grapes hanging off the basketball net? It has Velcro on it and he was so impressed by his ability to hang it on the net. He thought it was magic! Kept him busy about 30min!

Those blocks were heavy but he was determined to play with them!

This Sunday I woke up with a killer sore throat. Again. Unfortunately I also had a class scheduled for 10am. I canceled my class and tried to sleep a little longer. Daddy took care of Thomas so I could get a rest.
Thanks Daddy, Happy Fathers Day to you!
Usually when I have throat problems we go to the ENT in the shopping mall and department store next to us. The bad thing about going on a Sunday is that they are crazy, RIDICULOUS busy! We debated going and decided to walk even though it was 29degrees today. When we got there we were all overheated and I felt even worse. Unfortunately the ENT takes a break the 3rd Sunday of the month, which happened to be today. I was not happy and wanted to get home but decided to make a quick detour to the 6th floor of the department store to the children's section. Our friends just had a baby yesterday so I was looking for a gift for their new arrival. I didn't see anything I liked and Thomas started being fussy so I went to the elevator to leave.
Now, I mentioned that this was Sunday and the department store is crazy ridiculous busy right? The 3 elevators are clearly marked with large yellow circles detailing that they are for the use of strollers, shopping carts and wheelchairs. Of the 3 elevators, only 2 stopped on the 6th floor, one stopped only on odd numbered floors. We waited for the first elevator to arrive for almost 5 minutes.
When it did arrive, it was crammed full of people who obviously were capable of taking the escalators!! Girls in heels clinging to their boyfriend's arms as they pout at being squished in the elevator, heavily made up ajummas(older married women) clutching their designer handbags as they elbow and wedge their way in tighter and 1 poor couple squashed in the back with their baby stroller.
Fine. Whatever. I am used to ignorant people ignoring all signs and common courtesy but today, I was hot, sick and tired. I waited for the next elevator which hits every floor, and when it came, an ajumma in full evening dress and one of those simpering young couples PUSHED PAST ME into the elevator. Now at this point I had been waiting 10 minutes for an elevator. They had arrived a few minutes previous and I was obviously waiting. Not to mention the elevator was already full of people who obviously did not have strollers, shopping carts or wheelchairs.
I lost it. I started shouting at the people in the elevator that I had been waiting for 10 minutes, the elevator was for people with strollers first, were they so ignorant and selfish that they could not get off to let me and my child on?
The ajumma was full front and center to my tirade, and she was also overloading the elevator so that the doors would not shut. As I was shouting one woman stepped off with her daughter in response. But not just any woman and daughter. But the mother and student from the class I had canceled that morning due to my sore throat.
At this point I was shaking with rage, hot, and sick and utterly, completely embarrassed that the witness to my very public meltdown was one of the sweetest mothers and daughters that I teach. She hugged me and held my hand and helped to calm me down, and we managed to get on the next elevator. I apologized profusely and she just held my hand and made sure I got to the 1st floor OK. I was so embarrassed that I asked my husband to call her again and apologize in Korean for me.
It only figures that the one and only time I actually do lose it with the rude, selfish and inconsiderate people I often encounter here, there happens to be someone who KNOWS me personally there to witness it! Bah!
After that excitement we returned home. I decided to take a nap to recover from the stress of our outing and Daddy managed to get Thomas to nap with him. Once we woke up Thomas was energetic and excited and delighted to play in his playroom. Best thing we did moving here. I can sit and relax and he amuses himself. Every child needs a playroom, or every parent does! Hahaha...
Anyways, the lazy Sunday we thought we would have for Father's day is long gone. Now we have friends coming over for my famous stuffed mushroom caps and some dinner. This is what my husband loves, socializing with friends, so in a way, this is his Happy Father's Day! Hope everyone will be able to join us for mushroom caps some day soon!!